When You Don’t Feel Capable of What is Ahead

Sometimes I overestimate what I am capable of.

I was telling Julia the other night that two weeks before she was born, I decided our yard needed a fresh layer of bark dust. I was obsessed about the yard.

We had bought our first house from a lady who was a master gardener, and she left us with hundreds of beautiful plants and flowers, and a perfectly manicured yard. I was completely freaked out I would kill it all.

The woman who previously owned our first home had died, and her best friend lived across the street. Her best friend would come over frequently and talk my ear off about the yard. She was the kind of elderly woman that seemed lonely. She would share her concerns about my flowers and the yard, and everything else going on in her life. She would follow me around everywhere, and even open our front door if it wasn’t locked, and shout into the house to see if we were home. She would talk… and… talk… and talk. After awhile, I confess, when I would see her coming over, I would hide, and pretend I wasn’t home.

Two weeks before Julia was born, I spread two tons of bark across that yard, cut back all the bushes, weeded, mowed, and made things perfect. I didn’t want to disappoint my neighbor, and of course, I loved my yard looking good, even though we lived in one of the worst parts of town.

My husband thought I was insane for doing all this work. You see, I was not a small, petite kind of pregnant mama. I was huge, HUGE. At 29 years old, and full of life, I had big ideas, and in my head, I could climb mountains, do marathons, bark a yard and have a baby all at the same time. I think at one point, Steve encouraged me not to do all this work, but I did it anyway (which often happens in our marriage). And then he gives in and helps, which often happens in our marriage when he sees I took on something bigger than I am capable of.

Sometimes, I still put these expectations on myself. I still think I can do more than I should. I can be a bit crazy and out of touch with reality.

In 20 days, my daughter is getting married, but in two days, I leave for Haiti.

Months ago, I committed myself to lead this trip for our ministry at Compassion. I committed before my daughter got engaged and the wedding date was set. I hadn’t been to Haiti in 20 years, and I knew it was time to go back to the place that started my love story with Compassion.

When Julia and Luke set the date for the wedding, I thought to myself, “Perfect, I will have a week and a half after Haiti to prepare for the wedding. No problem.”

People, this is the first wedding for me of one of my children! What was I thinking?

Funny thing is, I have this crazy sense of peace about leaving. It’s almost like God said “GO, cause Mama of Julia, you BE crazy.”

Today, as I worked, I told my fellow team members at Compassion that I needed their prayers. Their responses made me cry. “Stay in the moment” they said. “We got your back.” And…then some other funny responses too. I love my team. Love them!!!

Steve and I built a fire pit in our yard the other day.IMG_0860IMG_0862 It was a lot of work between preparing the land, bringing in all the materials, digging, spreading rock, raking, etc.IMG_0863 At the end of the day, we were so excited to try it out. Steve got all the wood and built this great fire, and we sat down to rest our weary bodies to the sound of crackling wood. IMG_0869IMG_0870Then it started to pour rain. Steve and I took cover under a tree, and waited until the rain stopped. It never stopped, but it did finally slow down a little. So we sat down at the fire again, in the rain, and let it be. We didn’t care if we got wet. We enjoyed our fire. The rain never stopped.

So, what is my point to this blog post? I don’t really know yet. I have so many emotions stirring these days. My girl is getting married. We are gaining a son! I am letting God take it, letting him have control, and trying to let go of stress, anxiety, and the worries. I want to let it be washed away like the night Steve and I surrendered to the rain.

I loved the advice I got from Vicki today. Just focus on what’s immediately ahead, the rest can wait.

When you don’t feel capable of what is ahead, it’s time to take things day by day.

Psalm 18:30 As for God, His way is perfect; He shields all who take refuge in Him.

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2 Comments on “When You Don’t Feel Capable of What is Ahead

  1. Patricia, we all have your back here. Go and love on God’s beautiful children. All is well.

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